Conversations with my Dads

A text I just sent him:

Oh, part of what I wanted to say about my crazy is that I think it came FROM somewhere, I don't think I was just sitting around making stuff up. I think my mind was being influenced by an outside party, that I was basically being /told/ things that were true for others, just not true about me. Like having a satanic family, and the things that go on in them. I don't think I was just in an unhinged fabrication mode, I think real families really do the things I was (potentially quite literally) /made/ to believe about my own family, for a relatively brief time, there.

I feel like I keep repeating this notion, because I don't think anyone gets what I'm saying, yet. Or maybe I just wanna feel like someone agrees. 🤷🏼‍♀️ The rituals and sacrificing of babies, including babies being sliced from women and girls' bodies, THAT'S ALL TRUE about some of the people who aren't us. And I can't just forget about that in day to day life. Can't unknow some of the things people call conspiracy theories. The intentional speeding up and slowing down of various children's pubescent stages. The very real global depopulation efforts. The attempts at cryogenic preservation of various "powerful" people. The food that's all fake. The poisonous experimentation on third world communities. I have to think about all this stuff all the time, now. Knowing there's nothing I can do about it. And I think that was their goal for me.

..."Whoever 'they' are." 🧘🏼‍♀️(end of text)

Y'all, I don't think Elon's tryna help anyone for real. I think famous people are just a buncha pretenders. Bought liars and deceivers. I think Trump enjoyed Epstein Island, and I think Elon enjoys adrenochrome. Not to say there is no hope, because I know there is. I just don't know where, or when, or how to identify the hope. Or if it even translates to real life. I know there will be peace in death, but what about before death?

There has to be hope for this life.🌐

His response: 

I think much of what you said above is true. Because of your online activity, “they” were able to use the algorithms to manipulate your mind and feed you things to control your thinking. 

And mine: 

🎯 And they want me to feel helpless against it all, because it probably IS all the famous people who are in on it. Like, an "angel," so to speak, could never garner so much attention. I don't think all the famous people are considered "special" in this whole plan, I think most of them are pawns. I think the "special" ones live in secret and shadows.

Wednesday, June 18th

So how about, the very day I express to my Dads an uncanny fear of late, specifically regarding my sister's vehicular travels, her car caught on fire on her way to work. 😳 Flood damage, I'm sure, but I can't shake Elon's very real potential involvement, y'know? It's almost amusing.

As if the cabal could ultimately beat God.

They can try, I think we're all in. 🌐☯️🌐

Thursday, June 19th

At this point, "they" should probably try to make an example outta me. 🥱 Or I'm just imagining connections that don't exist. Either way, I'm good.

Friday, June 20th

I think, just like with everything else, there were some truths mixed in with a buncha lies over the last few years of my train of thought. Like, everything I said about twins was crazy nonsense. I feel like I was made to become "okay with" things I would never be okay with, as a means of "changing" me. Like, I was psychologically tormented with things until I logiced my way through them somehow and tried to make sense of them. But incest is absolutely considered normal in some bloodlines, which is disgusting and unnatural. Certainly not my bloodline. And we are certainly under surveillance, everywhere, all the time. Including self flushing toilets.

Divisions of Labor

 "Divisions of labor based on ability, rather than equality." That's the notion that presented itself to me yesterday morning. If my nuclear family (6 humans, 3 male, 3 female) had the task of lifting a 600lb slab of concrete, would it make sense for the [obviously much stronger, physically] men to pitch a fit and demand we're each responsible for lifting "our fair share" at 100lb each? Or would it make for a much more pleasant, productive, and OVERALL PAINLESS experience for us each to lift as much as we're capable of lifting, knowing our combined strengths are more  than enough to complete the task? That doesn't mean one of us decides we're just gonna pretend to try, leaving the burden on the rest of the family because, "They got this, I ain't gotta do shit."

Evidently, this is where my mind was at on February 10th of 2022. Since then, the "trans" bullshit has exponentially increased in the mainstream and whatnot, which is as ridiculous a topic as it gets, but that's not the kind of shit that dominates my headspace. That whole discord is just a byproduct of this reptilian ordeal going on for far too long.

Reptilians.

The creatures who, unbeknownst to me until relatively recently, replaced my nuclear family members almost a quarter of a century ago. It's insane, the things they've done, and the ways they've influenced, if not all out controlled, my ways of thinking and processing the world around me.

Do I love reptilians? Am I even capable of loving reptilians?

I've made such a big deal about unconditional love, throughout my life, and especially in the last 7 years. Being God in a meatsuit, and all, I've assumed it comes with the territory. And, to an overwhelmingly large degree, I do love unconditionally. But to love those devoid of that which actually gives life (and living) actual meaning? ...I don't know about that. I don't know that I can. I look around at my life, and this world, and I see what they've done, and what they so earnestly do, with their entire existence. It's just so heart shatteringly despicable. It's impossible to even explain, really. Without Elon and his ridiculous abilities, would anyone ever have even been able to comprehend, let alone recognize, me?

I don't believe you would have.

I used to have a family, but I don't, anymore. My parents, my siblings, even the child I thought I had: all reptilians. Every niece and nephew I loved with my whole heart was never mine to begin with.

Imagine.

Can you?

Why lie?

A rather unfortunate part of the human experience: lying. Growing up, I lied a LOT. My mom would tell me, "Nobody will ever be able to trust you if you lie." And I certainly didn't want that! But I kept lying, anyway.

Why?

Well, stripping away all the myriad of potential specifics, it boils down to only two things: manipulation and/or self preservation. We lie to get what we want, or to not get what we don't want. 

At this point, I claim unapologetic honesty. But really, that's limited to regarding myself. I'll still lie to protect others when it feels right, which falls under manipulation. I have a rather ambiguous moral compass. I don't let anyone or anything else tell me what's right or wrong, I listen solely to my heart, and that oh-so-important resonation I've mentioned before. Put me face to face with anyone, and eliminate topics pertaining to someone else's safety, privacy, or choices, you'll get the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

The people closest to me know that I'm honest to a brutal degree. I don't mince my words, don't beat around the bush, and I certainly don't verbalize bullshit to get my way. Matter of fact, I've stood in my truths to my own detriment many a time.

But still, they lie to me. And it hurts. I see straight through it, but they still do it. Then, in their bruised ego's wake, they project their shortcomings onto me, to avoid acknowledging it in themselves.

Ah, projections. We'll get to that.

Hurt people hurt people, I understand that. But all I want to do is help people. Help people heal, so they can become the best versions of themselves they can be. How do I convey that undeniably?

I guess just by persevering, and being me. Unapologetically.

Being Human

I started this post in November.

That's right, seven+ months ago. I didn't continue it at the time, because I had a lot of soul searching to do. I needed to know if I was diving into a pipe dream, or if I was the only one who saw really real reality.

The thing is, I was seeing perfection everywhere I looked. The man I love, the time we shared, the people we saw and spent time with. Everything was perfect. Except when it wasn't. There was a flip side to everything that made me question my sanity, my feelings, the people around me... And I didn't know what to do.

Now I know I'm not crazy. I certainly seem crazy to some. But I'm not. So here goes:

Being Human

We all do it. We've had to, we've not known any other way. But being human kinda sucks. Being human is why we're riddled with uncertainties and insecurities. We allow our minds to reign over our hearts and souls, and exist in a state of confusion and tortured imbalance. Consistent onslaughts of negativity harass our thoughts and persons. We don't really know what we want, orwhyorwhenorhow, or with who. Ultimately we're plagued by constant internal existential disarray.

There's an end to this game. Being human isn't all we can be. Being human isn't all we're supposed to be. How many of us can honestly say we feel like we're living up to our full potential, feeling fulfilled and truly content in our lives? I'd venture to say anyone who reads this is in the same boat I've been in. Wondering what's missing in ourselves, and why we can't accomplish all we feel we're destined to, why we feel blocked by a wall in our path that we can't find a way around. Like the answer is RIGHT THERE, but we can't quite see or reach it.

__8__[_])^€_¥)'_$!=__8__

That's where I left off seven months ago. I've come a long way since then. I now know how to trust myself, how to believe in my intuition, how to gauge resonation, how to KNOW that which seems impossible to truly know. Most would call what I do assuming. The difference is... my "assumptions" are accurate.

To quote Hopsin in the song, Ill Mind of Hopsin 5:

"My existence on this planet's for you, I ain't only here to benefit me." 💙

Religious or spiritual?

Those closest to me accuse me of being a radical and dissociated "religious" zealot. The things I say don't line up with what they've been told, or have told themselves, so without a second thought, they decide I'm the one deluded. I'm here to explain to you how inaccurate that is. (Literally. This is why I'm here.)

Religion- the belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power, especially a personal God or gods.

Zealot- a person who is fanatical and uncompromising in pursuit of their religious, political, or other ideals.

[Definitions courtesy of a Google search]

To begin, I don't worship anything/anyone. And I certainly don't believe in any controlling power. I don't really believe in anything. Either I know it, or I don't. To believe is to accept as true. I don't do that. I can't do that. That is the very thing religion requires. "Close your eyes, don't ask questions, just believe us... And give us your money!" Yeah... No thank you.

A zealot is "uncompromising in their pursuit of..." I couldn't disagree more on my behalf. In my pursuit of understanding, of awakening, I've been nothing but compromising. I've second guessed myself so many times, I'd never be able to recoup the time I've lost backtracking.

What I am is dedicated to the pursuit of knowledge, and grateful for everything. I'm open, I'm eager, I'm willing and passionate to love and inspire. I'm awake and serving my soul mission with clarity and confidence. I'm a writer. I'm here to literarily articulate that which cannot easily be explained to those who don't yet know. Take what resonates with you, and leave the rest.

I am, in no way, religious. I'm entirely spiritual. Spiritually reborn, in fact. We're all light spiritual beings in dense human bodies. We're all parts of the same one thing. That thing is called "God" by religious people. Religion is a painfully limiting box that requires your worship and devotion. Spirituality is an ever growing understanding/knowing of "God" and the way things are.

I like to say, "God is life, God is love, God is everything, including us." I feel it sums up the reality quite nicely. And it doesn't require us to relinquish our hard earned money on belief, or look to an external source for peace and happiness. It just inspires us to be who we are, unapologetically.

From Atheist to Awakening

Growing up in a Christian home, I spent 16 years going to church, twice a week most weeks, Sunday morning and Wednesday night, like clockwork. While we weren’t consistent by any means, my parents ensured we had time dedicated to family devotions at various points in our together-journey. I (rather unsuccessfully) made an effort to read the Bible a handful of times, memorized verses for various children’s classes/groups through the years, and I distinctly remember an occasion in which I told a sibling to shut up, and was consequently required to hand-write 1Corinthians 13:4-8 like, 50 or 100 times. Sure, it could’ve just as easily been a dozen times, but to my young self, it might as well have been 500, who knows. Everyone I knew outside of school was Christian, and even some of the kids at school proudly claimed the label (often in utter spite of their consistent behavior). I, myself, only acknowledged it as my religion when directly asked. However, I think it’s safe to say, my life was pretty well saturated in the culture, beliefs, and teachings of Christianity, from the time I was born.

Despite the relentless exposure and “programming,” for lack of a more suitable word, genuine thorough belief never resonated with me. I tried so hard over the years to convince myself to just have faith, and it would become real to me… But it never did. Not even in my earlier developmental years can I recall TRULY buying into the doctrine. It all just seemed so fantastical, and honestly, too limiting and disappointing, for me to invest my heart, mind, and soul in. Not to mention the simple fact that the Bible was scribed by humans, which refused to sit well with my analytical mind. As much as I wanted to, and felt obligated to, all that stuff in me that makes up who I am refused to subscribe to the concept that Christianity, or religion at all, was the answer.

This left me in a rather uncomfortable position. Everyone I loved seemed convinced, why couldn’t I feel the same way? I walked through life in a rather tortured frame of mind, exercising constant introspection, trying to figure out why I wasn’t able to see things the way everyone else seemed to, why I couldn’t just believe what everyone else was believing. It wasn’t until after I’d moved out of my familial home that I had the confidence to disappoint everyone with my confession. I called it agnostic at first, but after a couple years, it became flat out atheism.

I spend a lot of time in my mind, guys. A practice I recommend to anyone and everyone, regardless of your chosen path. It seems to me, the deeper you go into your mind, the more sense this life seems to make, and the more in touch you can become with reality.

"Everything. Everything is on my mind. I love my life! Happy birthday to me. 💙"

-My Facebook status on July 21^st

I posted that on my 25th birthday. Reason being, I was in the midst of what some call a spiritual awakening. I'd been sitting with two people, one which I'd known for 5 days, the other I'd just met moments before. Yet, watching these two people (who were quite familiar with each other) talk, I felt like I'd known them my whole life. Legitimately like they had been my best friends for as long as I could remember. I have no logic to explain why. I didn't know any of the details of whatever they were talking about, but I didn't feel like I needed to. I was "seeing" straight through their words, and into the meanings and feelings behind them. I understood what they were saying, without knowing what they were talking about. Within a short time of this going on, the dam in my mind broke. We've all got one of these dams. It's the one that keeps this life, this human existence, disconnected from, and unaware of, our spiritual reality. For a minute or two after mine gave, I had unfettered access to the real, true, perplexing knowledge I needed, to understand that I'm here for a reason, and that literally everything happens in divine order and time.

I came out of that enlightened moment with a few truths I can't ignore. The first of which is, this life isn't anywhere near the pinnacle of our existence, like we try so hard to convince ourselves it is. Being human is just an experience, a chance for us to learn about ourselves. Being alive, here and now, is an opportunity that we squander in pursuit of insignificant bullshit, material and fiscal gains, as if such things actually matter. Remove yourself from the mentality that this lifetime is all there is, and what do you have left? For most of us? Either nothing, or an eternity in heaven or hell. An eternity in one place, or nowhere, after the blink of an eye on this ball of matter... How absurd and meaningless would that be?

It's time to wake up, and recognize the insignificance and insufficiency surrounding us here. It's time to seek the reality of our existence, rather than building our castles in the sand. It's time to truly find peace love and happiness, in ourselves, and here on Earth.

I'm an AMAZING person!

My first post wasn't supposed to be a blog post; it was a text I'd sent to my dearest friend. I hadn't realized, until I'd typed it out, that it was my first entry, too.

My whole life, I've seen myself as an amazing person. I'm loyal, compassionate, honest, empathetic, giving, all around just about the best kinda friend anyone could ever want! But I never could find someone to be my best friend. A TRUE friend. One who would care for me as much as I cared for them. The kind you find, and keep for a lifetime. I'm so loving and loyal, why won't anyone reciprocate??

Not only could I not find a true connection with anyone outside my home, I couldn't find one with anyone inside my home, either. Growing up in a really poor family of six, with miserable parents, was really hard. Happiness was a special occasion. Though few and far between, the times we shared as a family, all of us perfectly content, and pleased to be with each other, were the best times. But then reality would set back in, and there would be fighting and yelling again. Everyone against everyone, there were no treaties.

Why can't anyone see how much I hate my reality? Why can't anyone see how peaceful I want to be? How badly I want and need to love and be loved? Why can't anyone see WHO I AM? I can see me. I know my heart. Why doesn't anyone else? Do they not want to? Am I not worth getting to know? Maybe I'm just SUPER weird and off-putting...

Unable to find a friend to love me, and unable to feel loved at home, I sought it from the only other place I could imagine: relationships. So, at 14, I began my first real relationship. It was a great one, as far as puppy love goes. But, since then, I haven't been single for more than a couple months at a time. Usually a couple weeks. Sometimes even a couple days. Serial.

Over the last few days, I've been realizing how drastically I underestimated the difference between what we, as people, see in ourselves, and what others see in us. My family was presenting me with less-than-flattering traits and habits they associated with me, and I was getting frustrated. I'M NOT LIKE THAT! Well..... At least, I hadn't wanted to be.

But damn. I was. How had I not realized this sooner?! The life I've led has done anything BUT reflect who I am, and who I want to be. My family has spent almost 25 years knowing a volatile, vicious, highly unstable quitter. Unreliable, at best. Fuck. That's not who I am.

So how do I change that? How do I bridge the MASSIVE disparity between my heart and my life?

Well, guys. Like this. 💙