I'm an AMAZING person!

My first post wasn't supposed to be a blog post; it was a text I'd sent to my dearest friend. I hadn't realized, until I'd typed it out, that it was my first entry, too.

My whole life, I've seen myself as an amazing person. I'm loyal, compassionate, honest, empathetic, giving, all around just about the best kinda friend anyone could ever want! But I never could find someone to be my best friend. A TRUE friend. One who would care for me as much as I cared for them. The kind you find, and keep for a lifetime. I'm so loving and loyal, why won't anyone reciprocate??

Not only could I not find a true connection with anyone outside my home, I couldn't find one with anyone inside my home, either. Growing up in a really poor family of six, with miserable parents, was really hard. Happiness was a special occasion. Though few and far between, the times we shared as a family, all of us perfectly content, and pleased to be with each other, were the best times. But then reality would set back in, and there would be fighting and yelling again. Everyone against everyone, there were no treaties.

Why can't anyone see how much I hate my reality? Why can't anyone see how peaceful I want to be? How badly I want and need to love and be loved? Why can't anyone see WHO I AM? I can see me. I know my heart. Why doesn't anyone else? Do they not want to? Am I not worth getting to know? Maybe I'm just SUPER weird and off-putting...

Unable to find a friend to love me, and unable to feel loved at home, I sought it from the only other place I could imagine: relationships. So, at 14, I began my first real relationship. It was a great one, as far as puppy love goes. But, since then, I haven't been single for more than a couple months at a time. Usually a couple weeks. Sometimes even a couple days. Serial.

Over the last few days, I've been realizing how drastically I underestimated the difference between what we, as people, see in ourselves, and what others see in us. My family was presenting me with less-than-flattering traits and habits they associated with me, and I was getting frustrated. I'M NOT LIKE THAT! Well..... At least, I hadn't wanted to be.

But damn. I was. How had I not realized this sooner?! The life I've led has done anything BUT reflect who I am, and who I want to be. My family has spent almost 25 years knowing a volatile, vicious, highly unstable quitter. Unreliable, at best. Fuck. That's not who I am.

So how do I change that? How do I bridge the MASSIVE disparity between my heart and my life?

Well, guys. Like this. 💙

I Need to be a Blogger

I need to be a blogger. I just realized, THIS is how I process shit. Writing. It always has been, I just hadn't realized how significant it actually is in the process.

I write beautifully. Which is the first time I've ever "said" that.

I go through this cycle. I begin  processing some personally heavy shit. That processing manifests itself as these STRAIGHT UP MARATHONS of conversations with various people. I perfect every message, and read and reread and reread my words until the recipient responds, wash, rinse, repeat, until the relevant epiphany locks into place.

I've been seeking others' approval of my words, the only tool I know how to use in expressing myself. Writing is the truest connection between me and the world. The one way in which I'm the most vulnerable. Which is why it comes out so beautifully. And also why I was innately insecure about it.

If my life is an intricately detailed and coded map, blogging is the key. And I just found it.