Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Religious or spiritual?

Those closest to me accuse me of being a radical and dissociated "religious" zealot. The things I say don't line up with what they've been told, or have told themselves, so without a second thought, they decide I'm the one deluded. I'm here to explain to you how inaccurate that is. (Literally. This is why I'm here.)

Religionthe belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power, especially a personal God or gods.
Zealot- a person who is fanatical and uncompromising in pursuit of their religious, political, or other ideals.
[Definitions courtesy of a Google search]

To begin, I don't worship anything/anyone. And I certainly don't believe in any controlling power. I don't really believe in anything. Either I know it, or I don't. To believe is to accept as true. I don't do that. I can't do that. That is the very thing religion requires. "Close your eyes, don't ask questions, just believe us... And give us your money!" Yeah... No thank you.

A zealot is "uncompromising in their pursuit of..." I couldn't disagree more on my behalf. In my pursuit of understanding, of awakening, I've been nothing but compromising. I've second guessed myself so many times, I'd never be able to recoup the time I've lost backtracking.

What I am is dedicated to the pursuit of knowledge, and grateful for everything. I'm open, I'm eager, I'm willing and passionate to love and inspire. I'm awake and serving my soul mission with clarity and confidence. I'm a writer. I'm here to literarily articulate that which cannot easily be explained to those who don't yet know. Take what resonates with you, and leave the rest.


I am, in no way, religious. I'm entirely spiritual. Spiritually reborn, in fact. We're all light spiritual beings in dense human bodies. We're all parts of the same one thing. That thing is called "God" by religious people. Religion is a painfully limiting box that requires your worship and devotion. Spirituality is an ever growing understanding/knowing of "God" and the way things are.

like to say, "God is life, God is love, God is everything, including us." I feel it sums up the reality quite nicely. And it doesn't require us to relinquish our hard earned money on belief, or look to an external source for peace and happiness. It just inspires us to be who we are, unapologetically.

Saturday, November 4, 2017

From Atheist to Awakening

Growing up in a Christian home, I spent 16 years going to church, twice a week most weeks, Sunday morning and Wednesday night, like clockwork. While we weren’t consistent by any means, my parents ensured we had time dedicated to family devotions at various points in our together-journey. I (rather unsuccessfully) made an effort to read the Bible a handful of times, memorized verses for various children’s classes/groups through the years, and I distinctly remember an occasion in which I told a sibling to shut up, and was consequently required to hand-write 1Corinthians 13:4-8 like, 50 or 100 times. Sure, it could’ve just as easily been a dozen times, but to my young self, it might as well have been 500, who knows. Everyone I knew outside of school was Christian, and even some of the kids at school proudly claimed the label (often in utter spite of their consistent behavior). I, myself, only acknowledged it as my religion when directly asked. However, I think it’s safe to say, my life was pretty well saturated in the culture, beliefs, and teachings of Christianity, from the time I was born.

Despite the relentless exposure and “programming,” for lack of a more suitable word, genuine thorough belief never resonated with me. I tried so hard over the years to convince myself to just have faith, and it would become real to me… But it never did. Not even in my earlier developmental years can I recall TRULY buying into the doctrine. It all just seemed so fantastical, and honestly, too limiting and disappointing, for me to invest my heart, mind, and soul in. Not to mention the simple fact that the Bible was scribed by humans, which refused to sit well with my analytical mind. As much as I wanted to, and felt obligated to, all that stuff in me that makes uwho I am refused to subscribe to the concept that Christianity, or religion at all, was the answer.

This left me in a rather uncomfortable position. Everyone I loved seemed convinced, why couldn’t I feel the same way? I walked through life in a rather tortured frame of mind, exercising constant introspection, trying to figure out why I wasn’t able to see things the way everyone else seemed to, why I couldn’t just believe what everyone else was believing. It wasn’t until after I’d moved out of my familial home that I had the confidence to disappoint everyone with my confession. I called it agnostic at first, but after a couple years, it became flat out atheism.

I spend a lot of time in my mind, guys. A practice I recommend to anyone and everyone, regardless of your chosen path. It seems to me, the deeper you go into your mind, the more sense this life seems to make, and the more in touch you can become with reality.

"Everything. Everything is on my mind. I love my life! Happy birthday to me. 💙"
-My Facebook status on July 21st

I posted that on my 25th birthday. Reason being, I was in the midst of what some call a spiritual awakening. I'd been sitting with two people, one which I'd known for 5 days, the other I'd just met moments before. Yet, watching these two people (who were quite familiar with each other) talk, I felt like I'd known them my whole life. Legitimately like they had been my best friends for as long as I could remember. I have no logic to explain why. I didn't know any of the details of whatever they were talking about, but I didn't feel like I needed to. I was "seeing" straight through their words, and into the meanings and feelings behind them. I understood what they were saying, without knowing what they were talking about. Within a short time of this going on, the dam in my mind broke. We've all got one of these dams. It's the one that keeps this life, this human existence, disconnected from, and unaware of, our spiritual reality. For a minute or two after mine gave, I had unfettered access to the real, true, perplexing knowledge I needed, to understand that I'm here for a reason, and that literally everything happens in divine order and time.

I came out of that enlightened moment with a few truths I can't ignore. The first of which is, this life isn't anywhere near the pinnacle of our existence, like we try so hard to convince ourselves it is. Being human is just an experience, a chance for us to learn about ourselves. Being alive, here and now, is an opportunity that we squander in pursuit of insignificant bullshit, material and fiscal gains, as if such things actually matter. Remove yourself from the mentality that this lifetime is all there is, and what do you have left? For most of us? Either nothing, or an eternity in heaven or hell. An eternity in one place, or nowhere, after the blink of an eye on this ball of matter... How absurd and meaningless would that be?


It's time to wake up, and recognize the insignificance and insufficiency surrounding us here. It's time to seek the reality of our existence, rather than building our castles in the sand. It's time to truly find peace love and happiness, in ourselves, and here on Earth.

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

I'm an AMAZING person!

My first post wasn't supposed to be a blog post; it was a text I'd sent to my dearest friend. I hadn't realized, until I'd typed it out, that it was my first entry, too.

My whole life, I've seen myself as an amazing person. I'm loyal, compassionate, honest, empathetic, giving, all around just about the best kinda friend anyone could ever want! But I never could find someone to be my best friend. A TRUE friend. One who would care for me as much as I cared for them. The kind you find, and keep for a lifetime. I'm so loving and loyal, why won't anyone reciprocate??

Not only could I not find a true connection with anyone outside my home, I couldn't find one with anyone inside my home, either. Growing up in a really poor family of six, with miserable parents, was really hard. Happiness was a special occasion. Though few and far between, the times we shared as a family, all of us perfectly content, and pleased to be with each other, were the best times. But then reality would set back in, and there would be fighting and yelling again. Everyone against everyone, there were no treaties.

Why can't anyone see how much I hate my reality? Why can't anyone see how peaceful I want to be? How badly I want and need to love and be loved? Why can't anyone see WHO I AM? I can see me. I know my heart. Why doesn't anyone else? Do they not want to? Am I not worth getting to know? Maybe I'm just SUPER weird and off-putting...

Unable to find a friend to love me, and unable to feel loved at home, I sought it from the only other place I could imagine: relationships. So, at 14, I began my first real relationship. It was a great one, as far as puppy love goes. But, since then, I haven't been single for more than a couple months at a time. Usually a couple weeks. Sometimes even a couple days. Serial.

Over the last few days, I've been realizing how drastically I underestimated the difference between what we, as people, see in ourselves, and what others see in us. My family was presenting me with less-than-flattering traits and habits they associated with me, and I was getting frustrated. I'M NOT LIKE THAT! Well..... At least, I hadn't wanted to be.

But damn. I was. How had I not realized this sooner?! The life I've led has done anything BUT reflect who I am, and who I want to be. My family has spent almost 25 years knowing a volatile, vicious, highly unstable quitter. Unreliable, at best. Fuck. That's not who I am.

So how do I change that? How do I bridge the MASSIVE disparity between my heart and my life?

Well, guys. Like this. 💙

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

I Need to be a Blogger

I need to be a blogger. I just realized, THIS is how I process shit. Writing. It always has been, I just hadn't realized how significant it actually is in the process.

I write beautifully. Which is the first time I've ever "said" that.

I go through this cycle. I begin  processing some personally heavy shit. That processing manifests itself as these STRAIGHT UP MARATHONS of conversations with various people. I perfect every message, and read and reread and reread my words until the recipient responds, wash, rinse, repeat, until the relevant epiphany locks into place.

I've been seeking others' approval of my words, the only tool I know how to use in expressing myself. Writing is the truest connection between me and the world. The one way in which I'm the most vulnerable. Which is why it comes out so beautifully. And also why I was innately insecure about it.

If my life is an intricately detailed and coded map, blogging is the key. And I just found it.