Growing up in a Christian home, I spent 16 years going to church, twice a week most weeks, Sunday morning and Wednesday night, like clockwork. While we weren’t consistent by any means, my parents ensured we had time dedicated to family devotions at various points in our together-journey. I (rather unsuccessfully) made an effort to read the Bible a handful of times, memorized verses for various children’s classes/groups through the years, and I distinctly remember an occasion in which I told a sibling to shut up, and was consequently required to hand-write 1Corinthians 13:4-8 like, 50 or 100 times. Sure, it could’ve just as easily been a dozen times, but to my young self, it might as well have been 500, who knows. Everyone I knew outside of school was Christian, and even some of the kids at school proudly claimed the label (often in utter spite of their consistent behavior). I, myself, only acknowledged it as my religion when directly asked. However, I think it’s safe to say, my life was pretty well saturated in the culture, beliefs, and teachings of Christianity, from the time I was born.
Despite the relentless exposure and “programming,” for lack of a more suitable word, genuine thorough belief never resonated with me. I tried so hard over the years to convince myself to just have faith, and it would become real to me… But it never did. Not even in my earlier developmental years can I recall TRULY buying into the doctrine. It all just seemed so fantastical, and honestly, too limiting and disappointing, for me to invest my heart, mind, and soul in. Not to mention the simple fact that the Bible was scribed by humans, which refused to sit well with my analytical mind. As much as I wanted to, and felt obligated to, all that stuff in me that makes up who I am refused to subscribe to the concept that Christianity, or religion at all, was the answer.
This left me in a rather uncomfortable position. Everyone I loved seemed convinced, why couldn’t I feel the same way? I walked through life in a rather tortured frame of mind, exercising constant introspection, trying to figure out why I wasn’t able to see things the way everyone else seemed to, why I couldn’t just believe what everyone else was believing. It wasn’t until after I’d moved out of my familial home that I had the confidence to disappoint everyone with my confession. I called it agnostic at first, but after a couple years, it became flat out atheism.
I spend a lot of time in my mind, guys. A practice I recommend to anyone and everyone, regardless of your chosen path. It seems to me, the deeper you go into your mind, the more sense this life seems to make, and the more in touch you can become with reality.
"Everything. Everything is on my mind. I love my life! Happy birthday to me. 💙"
-My Facebook status on July 21st
I posted that on my 25th birthday. Reason being, I was in the midst of what some call a spiritual awakening. I'd been sitting with two people, one which I'd known for 5 days, the other I'd just met moments before. Yet, watching these two people (who were quite familiar with each other) talk, I felt like I'd known them my whole life. Legitimately like they had been my best friends for as long as I could remember. I have no logic to explain why. I didn't know any of the details of whatever they were talking about, but I didn't feel like I needed to. I was "seeing" straight through their words, and into the meanings and feelings behind them. I understood what they were saying, without knowing what they were talking about. Within a short time of this going on, the dam in my mind broke. We've all got one of these dams. It's the one that keeps this life, this human existence, disconnected from, and unaware of, our spiritual reality. For a minute or two after mine gave, I had unfettered access to the real, true, perplexing knowledge I needed, to understand that I'm here for a reason, and that literally everything happens in divine order and time.
I came out of that enlightened moment with a few truths I can't ignore. The first of which is, this life isn't anywhere near the pinnacle of our existence, like we try so hard to convince ourselves it is. Being human is just an experience, a chance for us to learn about ourselves. Being alive, here and now, is an opportunity that we squander in pursuit of insignificant bullshit, material and fiscal gains, as if such things actually matter. Remove yourself from the mentality that this lifetime is all there is, and what do you have left? For most of us? Either nothing, or an eternity in heaven or hell. An eternity in one place, or nowhere, after the blink of an eye on this ball of matter... How absurd and meaningless would that be?
It's time to wake up, and recognize the insignificance and insufficiency surrounding us here. It's time to seek the reality of our existence, rather than building our castles in the sand. It's time to truly find peace love and happiness, in ourselves, and here on Earth.
